What Now?

Hola everyone.

Well, where do I start? It’s been a tough few days and weeks and I’m probably not alone in asking myself when this hell of a time will finally end. I was actually planning on publishing a recent interview I did with the amazing LA indie band HUNNY back when I was still in London, but I thought an update would probably be a bit more beneficial. So here’s what’s been happening here in Austria and also in my own headspace.


Let’s start with something positive first, as all I’ve been surrounded by in the past few weeks have been bad news and I can’t deal with them anymore. I’m officially 24 and 3 days old. Yeeeeeyyyyy me. That’s one thing this asshat of a virus couldn’t take away from me – my birthday. And despite all that’s been happening, it was actually a super nice day. Take that, Corona, you pain the ass. The whole day was dedicated to forgetting about the current events as much as possible and it really worked, which made me insanely happy. I spent a lovely day with my parents and even got to see my grandma (in a safe way, obvs) and just two days ago I had my Skype birthday party with my friends. Because that’s how you party in 2020 – via facetime. A few weeks ago I would’ve probably said that was quite lame, but it actually was really really nice to see all my friends and to have a chat together. Also, I got myself an amazing birthday present – an Olympus XA2 film camera, which I can’t wait to finally get my hands on.


Besides that, I’ve been stuck on a shitty, emotional rollercoaster since I came home about two weeks ago (feels like I’ve been home five months, not two weeks). One day I’m feeling okay and pretty optimistic and then a few hours later I seem to have lost every sense of positivity. It’s a constant up and down. But through all of this, I’ve learned to accept my own feelings and to work with them. I feel like right now many people look down on people who are complaining about missing out on experiences, holiday trips, birthday parties, weddings, all that. Because it’s constantly about the greater good, about saving lives. And of course, that’s the top priority right now. But sometimes it’s also okay to feel depressed, to have negative thoughts, to be sad or simply to be egoistic. Because trust me when you’re stuck in the same house for over two weeks with nowhere else to go or nothing else to do, your world gets really small really quick.


And yes, I’ve been feeling very anxious. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be able to return to London and my old life. And I’ve told many people about my worries and have often heard that I need to accept the current situation and that there’s nothing I can do, but fuck that, honestly. Do you know what it feels like to live your literal dream life, to build a new life up somewhere else, a completely new place, and have it be this perfect and then have it ripped out of your hands in a matter of a few minutes? It’s shit, that’s what it is. And I know some of you might think I’m insane for saying stuff like this out loud because I should probably tell you to #stayathome and pray or tell you who I’m staying at home for or tell you how dramatic the situation is in Italy and that nobody should complain even once, but, again, fuck that. Quite a lot of us are losing quite a lot right now, by the simple act of staying at home for longer than any of us have ever had to in the past and it should be allowed to talk about it. People are losing to illnesses that have been here way longer than this virus has. People can’t watch their children being born. Happy couples had to cancel their weddings. People are losing jobs on a daily basis. My mum had to close her office and put her whole company on hold two weeks ago with no information about when she’ll be able to work again and little to no support from the government. My dad works at a bank and still has to go to work every day, risking his life and the lives of others day by day (although I’d do quite a lot to be able to go outside and see other people right now). And then there’s me with no idea when I’ll be able to return to London, my second home, again.


So, every day has become a huge ass question mark, which is just another reason why I’ve started to live from one day to another. I’ve stopped making plans for anything, because I’d rather have no plans than having yet another event canceled that I was looking forward to (*cough* any concerts ever *cough*). And besides that, it has also kinda helped me to stay positive. Daily walks have become my highlight of the day. I’ve buried myself in a book I’ve been reading (The Nightingale; it’s fantastic, but definitely not for someone looking for a light, fun read) and I’ve actually resurrected my Nintendo DS and have been playing Harvest Moon in my urge of getting my mind off buying a Switch so I can play Animal Crossing, like 90 % percent of the internet right now (I’m so damn close to buying it though). And on a more artistic note, I’ve recently started drawing again, which has really helped me calm down when I’m feeling anxious. And cuddling with my loved ones, that’s a big one as well. Cuddle and hold your parents and anyone you’re stuck inside with right now. Talk to your friends. Go and press your cat or dog to your face. It really helps.


In a nutshell, that’s what my life has been like in the past two weeks. It has been just as chaotic as this blog post right here. I go from straight-up positivity to the darkest of times in a matter of a few hours day by day, but I know I’m not alone in this and that kinda helps. I guess we’re all in this together. So let’s just try and be kind to each other. But as I’ve sworn myself, please promise me to never disregard your own feelings. It’s okay if you’re feeling down or feel like there’s nothing to get up for. Or if you’re feeling happy while people around you aren’t. Your feelings are important and so are you. Please know that. The only thing I want you to remember is that there’s always something or someone to get out of bed for and it might not seem like it right now, but a smile is always better than nothing. Go and spread positivity in any way possible. And if the news are getting too much for you, just turn them off. Do what makes you feel good.


Please take care of yourself, guys. Again, we’re all in this together and we’ll get through this together. I’m sending you all tight hugs from my living room in Austria and hope you’re all doing good, as good as you can. If any of you feel like talking, I’m always here for you. And until then, thanks for listening to my rambling and, of course, thanks for reading. x

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